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Silent Hill- the crap
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A Review by Joekool


Silent Hill
Director- Christopher Gans
Cast- Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean
Rated R: for
Running time- 121 min
There has yet to be a video game to movie adaptation that has actually been good. Why is this so, you ask? Well I will tell you. Since the only games that are made into films are the successful ones, they basically think that since its already successful, poeple will flock to it no matter what, so they put the name of the game on the film, get some crappy director and create a movie that sucks, because they dont care, they are blinded by greed. They know its gonna make money no matter what, but audiences are getting smarter. However, what the filmmakers dont realize is that if they stick to the games original storyline, which in most cases is why the game was so successful, and they get a respectable director, they might just make a fantastic film that makes more money than they could ever dream. But no, theyre stupid.
Enough of my rambling, lets get to my review. Silent Hill has the chance to break the curse of the crappy video game movie, does it do it? My feelings were right....NO, it doesnt. Not only did it not achieve being a good film, it was one of the worst films I have seen in a long time! Screw you Christoper Gans!!!!
Silnt Hill is the story of a young orphan girl who is adopted bya family and years later they learn about her violent history. The mother, Rose (Mitchell) takes her to the place the daughter screams about in hier dreams "Silent Hill" and then we get thrown into a hellish world that is somewhere in limbo between earth and hell. It sounds interesting, but dont belive the lies.
The story is so incoherent and confusing that even I, being a fan of the video game series and knowing the basic storyline, was having trouble following its randomness. The core plotline is not hard to understand, i.e. why they are there and what there doing? But there are many moments that bring up questions that are never answered. And at the end of the film it doesnt tie everything up, the story is finished, but it still doesnt make sense. The entire movie doesnt make sense! Ahhh, hit me with something blunt!
The acting is simply pathetic. I have seen better acting in middle school plays. Anybody in the entire world could have been in this movie, cause everyone can act that bad if they wanted to. Did they even re-shoot scenes? But there was some light in the darkness of the acting. Sean Bean, who played the father in the film, was good, but he's good in all of his films, so its wasnt a surprise, but defiently a relief when his scenes came up.
The acting and the plot-hole story are not the worst aspects of this movie, not by a long shot. The worst thing about this film was the horrible and sickening screenplay. Holy freaking crap! I didnt know it could be so bad. I wanted to cut my ears off with anything i could get my hands on, unfortunately there was only my shoe, and its not sharp enough. Goodness gracious the dialouge was the worst i have ever seen in a film. The entire audience laughed in some scenes that werent even supposed to be funny because of the crappy dailouge. Watching a microwave was more entertaining than this, at least when it beeps it doesnt continue for two hours.....oh the horror! I hat writing this, maybe i should gnaw my fingers off. Damn you Silent hill!
Scientific study: Can monkeys write?
-Dr. Flickel and Dr. Respiratory conducted an experiment earlier this month with five monkeys. They placed the monkeys in the room witha box of crayons and50 sheets of paper and observed what took place. After one day the monkeys established a dominant male in Bozo, then ate 15 of the 32 crayons, flung colorful feces at each other, then pissed on their hands and slapped each other, and amazingly wrote some unintelligible things on the paper provided.
Result- Silent Hill screenplay
If that were true I would only say "I knew it!" and right now thats the only explanation I can think of to have such a cancer inducing script
Stay away from this movie, Its one of the worst films in the past 10 years, and the worst of this year alongside of Hostel. Dont even rent it. I wouldnt watch it again if someone held up a kitten and told me I had to watch Silent Hill or see this kitten die, I would laugh at them. Cause I would go through more pain watching this movie than that lucky kitten would ever go through in a chinese torture chamber.
Good Points
-Moments with Sean Bean
Bad Points
-Acting is pathetic (except for Bean)
-Screenplay is the worst ever devised
-Plot holes
-Doesnt make sense
-The possibility of it having a sequal
-Seeing it
-Finishing it
-Paying for it
-Wanting to cry after it was over
Rating- 2.5/10

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